Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations
by TheGirlWhoRemembers
Summary: Somehow, they manage to find each other in every universe...no matter how different or odd the universe is. Or, a series of AU oneshots featuring the Enterprise Crew. Latest update: Orphanage!AU:'...Honestly, Spock, I'm used to Jim getting into fights, but I expect better from you' Kirk and Spock are in trouble for fighting.
1. Hogwarts

AN: It's been a very, very long time since I published (or wrote) any Star Trek stuff, I know...I blame two things: 1. Harry Potter plot bunnies, 2. Real Life. I have not written anything for most of the last 6 months, I've only just started writing again, so I am quite out of practice.

This will hopefully be a collection of amusing oneshots, featuring our favourite Crew in various AUs. Please suggest AU situations! I will try and write all of your suggestions.

~TheGirlWhoRemembers

* * *

Sixth Year Jim Kirk bit into an apple as he leaned against the low courtyard wall, his Gryffindor tie loosened and robes slightly askew.

'Hey, Jim!'

Kirk looked to his left, to see his fellow Gryffindor, Fourth Year Hikaru Sulu.

'Hey, Hikaru. What's up?'

The Asian boy grinned.

'When are you holding trials?'

Kirk was Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Hikaru played Chaser.

'Probably sometime next week. Chill out, man! The year's barely started!'

Sulu shrugged.

'The Slytherins have started already, and we are so not losing the Cup to them!'

A female voice spoke out to their right.

'Keep dreaming, Gryffindors.'

They both turned. Jim was first to speak.

'Why, hello to you too, Uhura. How about a little wager? If Gryffindor win the Cup, you tell me your first name?'

He'd been trying to get her first name since the first term of First Year. (He hadn't paid any attention during the Sorting. He'd come to regret that.)

The Sixth Year Slytherin Prefect rolled her eyes.

'Even if you were a chance for the Cup, no.'

She looked over his sloppy uniform disapprovingly.

'And be grateful that I'm not docking points for your uniform. Do your tie up, and tuck in your shirt.'

She swept away gracefully.

Sulu stared at him.

'Seriously, man? Chasing after a Slytherin? Chasing after the _Ice Queen_ of Slytherin?'

Kirk grinned.

'Well, what can I say, Hikaru? I don't believe in no-win situations.'

'More like he just can't get it through his thick skull that a girl is immune to his charms.'

Leonard McCoy, Seventh Year Hufflepuff, dropped his bookbag beside Jim, who simply took another bite of his apple.

'That's because no girl is, Bones. It's only a matter of time. I'll have her name by the year's end.'

McCoy rolled his eyes.

'Damn it, Jim, did anyone ever teach you not to talk with your mouth full?'

'Bones, did anyone ever ask how in Merlin's name you ended up in Hufflepuff?'

McCoy was the grumpiest Hufflepuff Hogwarts had ever seen.

'Beats me. Ask the stupid Hat.'

Jim took another bite of his apple.

'Well, gentlemen, I swear on my magic, I'll get Miss Uhura's name.'

Sulu grinned.

'Ten galleons you don't get it by June.'

'Done. Be prepared to lose, Sulu.'

McCoy snorted.

'Ten galleons you don't get it by graduation.'

'Aww, come on, Bones, have a little faith!'

'Ain't got none, Jim.'

Jim pouted.

'Not even after the Porthos Incident?'

The Porthos Incident had occurred the year before, when a Seventh Year Ravenclaw by the name of Montgomery Scott had accidentally Vanished Porthos, Professor Archer's beloved Crup, while testing some sort of theory. A term later, the Crup had reappeared in the middle of the Transfiguration classroom, none the worse for his weeks of non-existence.

'Nope. Not an ounce.'

* * *

In the end, Jim ended up winning 20 galleons.

Ravenclaw won the Quidditch Cup, because damn it, their Seeker, First Year Pavel Chekov, flies faster than a speeding Hippogriff.

After a long, long shower in the Gryffindor change rooms, Jim was trudging back up to the Tower, when he passed the Charms classroom. The door was slightly ajar, and he could hear voices.

'...I believe that you owe me my winnings.'

'Indeed I do, Spock...'

Jim peeped into the classroom.

His eyes bulged.

Ravenclaw Head Boy, teacher's pet, model student, rule- following, I've-got-a-wand-up-my-arse Spock was snogging Uhura. The girl that he'd been chasing for years.

'...I believe I now understand why the majority of the student body enjoys engaging in gambling, Nyota.'

At least the 20 galleons and the looks on Sulu and Bones' faces did help to cushion the blow to his ego.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or Harry Potter. In fact, I don't own anything that will feature in this chapter, or any following chapters.


	2. Restaurant

AN: A very weird AU, I know...but it just came into my head and wouldn't go away. Please do suggest AUs, particularly since they will probably get weirder if you don't! (Currently, I'm thinking about 'Convenience Store' and 'Alcoholics Anonymous' AUs...)

* * *

'Zis fish tastes funny. Too much coriander, I zink.'

'Shut up, lad. It's easy to criticise, much harder to create.'

The curly haired Russian nodded.

'Zhat is true, but zis ees not going on ze menu, Meester Scott!'

The Scottish head chef glared at his young sous chef. The boy might be able to do all sorts of things with food that the world's never seen before, but he was still his boss.

'Yer getting ahead of yourself, laddie. I'm head chef, I decide what goes on the menu!'

Chekov gestured wildly.

'But zis fish ees...ees odd! Eet's not wery tasty!'

'Hey Pavel, Scotty, would you like a third opinion?'

The two chefs turned to the restaurant's fresh produce (and for some reason, flowers) supplier.

'You just vant food, Hikaru.'

Scotty shrugged.

'If it resolves this little dispute, go for it, lad. Oh, have you got any of those zucchini flowers? I was hoping to try a new dish with...'

* * *

Spock nodded as he checked the restaurant's books.

Everything was in order. As _The Enterprise's _business manager, it was his duty to ensure that. While the restaurant's hospitality workers were excellent at their jobs, they were unfortunately not so at running the business side of things.

That was what he excelled at.

That was why Christopher Pike, the restaurant's owner, had hired him.

He derived significant satisfaction from ensuring that things ran smoothly. The financial reward for his work was also satisfactory. In addition, he thought, as he looked over at the African- American front of house manager, there were other benefits.

Nyota Uhura smiled at him.

_Indeed. The fringe benefits of this employment are beyond comparison._

* * *

'All I'm saying, Bones, is that you should be a bit friendlier. You know, customer service and all.'

The bartender rolled his eyes.

'Damn it, Jim, I'm a bartender, not a waiter! It's not my job to stand there smiling, saying _may I take your order? I'd like to recommend the salmon, it's today's special..._'

The blond pouted.

'I do not sound like that, Bones!'

'Oh yeah? Well, dinner service starts in an hour. Listen to yourself, damn it!'

Jim muttered under his breath.

'...Today's special is the beef, not the salmon.'


	3. Hollywood

AN: This one is very short, I know. The next one will be longer!

* * *

Next_ Mission: Fatherhood? Rumour has it that action movie star Jim Kirk has knocked up ex-girlfriend Carol Marcus..._

_Teen heartthrob Pavel Chekov has been mobbed by fangirls in San Francisco..._

_Surprise Split! A rift has formed between Hollywood stalwart Montgomery Scott and the director that made him famous, Jonathan Archer. This falling out is rumoured to have to do with Porthos, Archer's beloved beagle..._

_Shock New Couple! Hollywood starlet Nyota Uhura spotted having a romantic dinner with Shakespearean actor and Academy Award nominee Spock..._

_Exclusive! Hollywood's hottest young action hero, Hikaru Sulu, reveals his love of gardening!_


	4. Boy Band

Sometimes, Nyota Uhura thought, being the manager of the Enterprise Crew, the world's biggest boyband, was wonderfully rewarding. Sometimes, it was really stressful. Sometimes, it was just plain weird.

This was one of the weird times.

'What in the world are you reading?'

Uhura stared at Jim Kirk, who shrugged.

'A magazine?'

She looked pointedly at the magazine's pink cover.

'I didn't think that was really your area of interest.'

Kirk pouted.

'For all you know, I could have an inner teenage girl who's just dying to get out, Uhura!'

'That is an illogical statement, Jim. The probability of there being a teenage female residing inside your body is infinitely small. Nyota, I believe that the true reason for Jim perusing this magazine lies in the headline.'

'Come on, Spock, I was joking!'

Uhura seized the magazine from Kirk's hands.

'Hey! I was-'

'_Which Enterprise Crew Member Are You? _Seriously, Kirk? Fan quizzes?'

Spock cocked his head to the left.

'Nyota, it is logical to remain informed as to what the fans' views and opinions are. We are, after all, entertainers who are entirely dependent on them.'

'Trust me, Spock, this is definitely not the sort of market research you're thinking about.'

Kirk grinned.

'I don't know, Uhura. I reckon they're pretty spot on. They say I'm the charming one!'

'In your dreams.'

He shook his head and burst into song.

'_So c-come on. You got it wrong. To prove I'm right, I put it in a song-'_

'Really, Kirk?'

He shrugged.

'What? It's one of our greatest hits!'

Spock clasped his hands behind his back.

'While that is true, you are using the song's lyrics in a contextually inappropriate manner.'

Kirk slapped him on the back.

'Oh, come on, Spock! That's why it's funny! God, I don't know why they made you the mysterious one. They should have made you the serious one. Or the unfunny one. Or the I've got a stick up my-'

'They are not as well acquainted with me as you are, Jim. Thankfully.'

Uhura sighed.

'Yeah, the fangirls are pretty rabid, aren't they?'

'You just don't like them because they keep hitting on Spock.'

Uhura glared at him.

Jim was saved from death by the entrance of Scotty, Sulu and Chekov.

'Oh, yer showing Miss Uhura the fan magazine. I like that magazine! They think I'm the funny one!'

Sulu smirked.

'Unlike everyone else, Scotty.'

'Oi! And they think yer the sensible one!'

Sulu looked affronted.

'Of course. I am sensible.'

Chekov snorted.

'As eef! Zey hawen't seen you talking to your plants! Or nearly getting arrested at Customs for bringing zose seeds-'

'That was just once!'

Chekov shook his head.

'You are an idiot, Hikaru. Zhat ees ze truth. But do not vorry, I vill newer tell your fangirls!'

Hikaru rolled his eyes.

'Thank you, Pavel. I am eternally in your debt...Wait a moment, what do these fangirls think of Pavel here?'

Kirk smirked.

'He's the cute one.'

Chekov pouted.

'I am not ze cute one! I am sewenteen years old! I am not a child!'

'The law clearly states that you are, Pavel . In addition, while you may find such a descriptor unsatisfactory, it is irrefutably true.'

Everyone stared at Spock.

'It is a valid and empirically proven conclusion that Pavel is, to use their terms, 'cute'.'

Chekov glared (adorably) at Spock. Laughter reverberated around the room.

Leonard McCoy, the sixth member of the band, walked in, took one look at his manager and his bandmates, and walked right out again.

'Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have let Jim buy that stupid teen rag! You know what, I don't want to know! '

Kirk stared at McCoy's back.

'For the life of me, I just can't figure out why they think he's the one with the soft centre.'


	5. Special Agents

'Hey, Bones, you got anything for me?'

The Medical Examiner turned around, hands bloody.

'He's dead, Jim.'

Kirk opened his mouth, but Dr McCoy spoke before he could get a word out.

'Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not some miracle worker! If you want anything more, you need to give me and Miss Chapel time to actually do the damn autopsy. Go annoy someone else.'

* * *

'Hey Chekov, have you traced that gun we found at the scene yet?'

The young curly-haired forensic scientist shook his head.

'Nyet, sorry, Senior Special Agent Kirk, sir. Eet vas the second most popular firearm sold last year, and whoewer owns eet has sanded off ze serial number, so eet ees going to be wery hard...'

'Damn. And I keep telling you, Chekov, stop calling me Senior Special Agent Kirk. It's Jim. Has Scotty had any luck with that powdery stuff we found?'

'No, he hasn't! The mass spec's working on it, lad, and yer just going to have to wait for her to finish. I cannae change the laws of physics.'

Chekov spoke up.

'Vhy are you down here, anyvay? Eesn't zere anyzing to do up in ze bullpen?'

A fourth voice chimed in.

'Oh, there is. Jim's just avoiding Agent Spock.'

Special Agent Hikaru Sulu was leaning against the doorframe.

Kirk rolled his eyes.

'I can't stand that FBI bastard!'

It was Sulu's turn to roll his eyes.

'Well, the FBI bastard and Uhura have managed to decode and translate that note we found. Turns out it's some code written in Czech or something.'

'Did you know zat secret codes vere inwented in Russia?'

Kirk smiled.

'Hey, Sulu, you reckon it'd be okay if I skipped? I'd really like to hear more about the Russians inventing secret codes-'

'You can't avoid Spock forever, Jim. He's actually quite okay.'

'No, he's not.'

'The lass on yer team, Miss Uhura, is fond of him. She was telling me all about him last time she was down here. What? Why are you looking at me like that, lad? Yer not the only who visits us scientists down here!'


	6. Orphanage

AN: This is hands down my favourite chapter...

* * *

Christopher Pike sighed. Running the Enterprise Orphanage was hard work. Oh, it was a satisfying thing to do, but hard work nonetheless.

'...Honestly, Spock, I'm used to Jim getting into fights, but I expect better from you!'

The dark-haired, studious seventeen-year-old looked impassively at him.

The blond fourteen-year-old gazed at his shoes.

'Sir, may I explain?'

Pike sighed.

'Go ahead, Spock.'

'I am well aware that you are displeased that Jim and I had a physical altercation with Nero and Khan. I understand that you have always taught us that physical violence is an activity that we should not engage in. However, you should understand that we were provoked into an emotionally-compromised state.'

Jim spoke for the first time since he'd been called into the room.

'They...they called us nobodies. Said no one cared about us. They attacked us for not having a family, Captain! I...we couldn't stand there and let them say that!'

Briefly, Pike wondered how in the world his charges ended up calling him 'Captain'. Then, he turned his attention back to the two teens in front of him.

Spock, looking as serious and composed as ever. Jim, with a defiant gleam in his blue eyes.

_It's tough for them, being orphans. They're good young men. Spock's a bit uptight, and Jim's reckless and rebellious, but they're good boys at heart..._

He nodded.

'Fine. I'll let it go this once, because you were provoked so badly. But if it happens again, I expect both of you to refrain from fighting. Is that clear? That doesn't mean you will escape punishment though; I can't imagine Principal Barnett is all too happy...'

Jim smiled.

'Thanks, Captain.'

Spock nodded.

'Thank you. I will endeavour to maintain better emotional control in future.'

Suddenly, the door opened, and a black-haired ten-year-old bounded in.

'Captain, you can't punish Jim and Spock! They were only standing up for themselves because Nero and Khan were being bullies! You've always told us that we have to stand up for ourselves, and for others, and be heroes-'

'Hikaru, you can't just go barging into the Captain's room like that! Knock! Honestly, you're going to grow up to be as bad as Jim...'

Fifteen-year-old Nyota Uhura entered the room.

Pike shook his head, smiling.

'It's okay, Nyota. Hikaru, I understand that you think Spock and Jim were being heroes, and standing up for themselves, but it is not right to beat up other people.'

The young Asian boy frowned.

'Even if they're bullies?'

He nodded.

'Even if they're bullies. You need to be the true hero, the bigger, nobler, better person. '

'Like a Musketeer?'

Where Hikaru Sulu's obsession with Musketeers came from, no one knows. No one else in the orphanage is so obsessed.

'Yes, like a Musketeer.'

The boy grinned.

'Aye, aye, Captain!'

'Eweryone, eweryone, come see!'

A small, curly-haired blur ran into the room.

Pavel Chekov, the baby of the orphanage, grinned, showing off the two gaps in his teeth.

'I finished making a robot, just like Scotty showed me how to! Eet can valk, and dance, and I can make eet say a few zings!'

Pike smiled at him, but already, his mind was full of all the possible problems that could arise in future, looking after the Russian genius.

_He's six years old, and he can build a robot. God knows what he'll get up to in ten years...But, hey, it's all part of being a parent to these kids...and he can't be worse than Jim._

When he looked back over at his charges, they'd all clustered around little Pavel.

'Your robot seems fascinating, Pavel. Would you be able to explain the command programming you have utilized?'

'Can you teach it how to swordfight? Then if you build another one, we can have duels!'

'It's very clever of you, Pavel. Why don't you take it to school, and show your teacher?'

'Awesome work, kid!'

'I am not a kid, Jim! I am six and sewen months!'

The older boy laughed.

'Of course. My mistake.'

Pavel turned to Pike.

'Keptain, vhen is Scotty coming ower again? I vant to show him my robot!'

Scotty (Montgomery Scott, officially, but no one really called him that) was a man who'd once been one of Pike's charges. He'd turned eighteen and left the orphanage years ago, and had become an engineer of some renown, but he liked to come back and visit quite frequently.

'Well, he's at work right now, Pavel. But later, we can call him and ask if he'd like to come over for dinner tomorrow.'

The boy positively beamed.

'Yay! Zank you, Keptain!'

They all filed out, Hikaru and Pavel talking excitedly, Spock and Nyota conversing about schoolwork. When he reached the doorway, Jim turned.

'Hey, Captain, if we're going to have Scotty over tomorrow, any chance Bones could come too? He's back in town for the break...'

Pike smiled.

Bones, or Leonard McCoy as he preferred to be known, was a twenty-year-old medical student, and another one of Pike's former charges. He and Jim had become very close during their childhood, when Leonard lived in the orphanage, and were still close friends, even after Leonard had left for college.

'Of course.'

Jim gave him a mock salute.

'Thanks, Captain.'

He left the room.

Pike grinned as he turned back to his work.

_They might not have their blood parents any more, but Khan and Nero were wrong. These kids do have a family. They are family._


End file.
